There’s a certain kind of inertia, isn’t there, that comes from staying in one place. The longer you stay, the more difficult it is to move, the more pointless it feels to get back out into the world and remember the good things about what’s out there.
You sit, frozen, because you’ve had to, for the good of yourself and those around you, and you hate it but it’s the right thing to do. The world shrinks down to the pinprick of your house, your garden if you’re lucky. Your screen which is often more of a source of anxiety and panic than a window into the outside world. And then, when the doors are opened up again… you can’t move.
These steps we take after two years of limbo are like firsts. The first time we go on public transport (since covid), the first time you go to a party (since covid), the first time you sit by a stranger and connect over shared loves and interests (since covid). It’s like being eighteen again, doing all those things for the first time (since childhood), growing up once more and learning all the social rules, which ones still count? What are the new ones?
Our nests have kept us safe, but they hold us tight, now, that pinprick that lets so little light and life in but that we know. It’s hard. It’s not going to go back to what it was. It shouldn’t; masks and sanitiser and looking out for each other, making it easier for those who are more vulnerable is essential. It’s more complex, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
We take that first step into the hall, surrounded by all those people who share our love of stories and we take a deep breath, but we take the next step. Someone we know waves, asks if we’re comfortable with a hug, and the pinprick widens, the light floods in. We take another step. We meet another person. We smile, we talk.
It’s exhausting. We’re tired when we curl up in bed that night, but our nests are still there. Tomorrow we’ll take another step.
Lyn Hemphill will be at the Queer the Shelves LGBTQ Book Fest in Nottingham at Waterstones.
book events, lesbian writers, lgbtq, literary festival, Lyn Hemphill, queer the shelves
